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When I decided to sell my tender soul and become an internet writerthe first task on my agenda was to confront my deep-seated fear of being alone in addition to downloading Grammarly and buying a pair of Dr. Martens, that is. As an extrovert, this kind of isolationist landscape terrified me.

My fear was only further confirmed at my first industry job, when my manager took me into her office and warned me that I was in a gossipy environment. She encouraged me to rise above it, to keep my mouth shut and head down. I was devastated, worried that my days of carving out friendships like Thanksgiving turkey were behind me. And then the wonky, weird universe brought me Willa and Mel. Talented writers and aspiring change-makers, they quickly grew into both mentors and confidants.

And on days when the world wide web felt less like our professional promised land and more like a pile of empty promises, we reminded each other of our mission statements, why we cared—truly care—about putting in the work. What makes two or more adults click? Is it a devoted sense of loyalty that weaves you together like a basket?

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The ability to diverge for many years, then gravitate back to one another as if no time has passed? Or is it something less convoluted, like a shared adversary in the form of a hard job? To seek answers to these questions, I spoke to three wise, older women—Judi, Susan, and Doreen—about the many forms that human connection can take, maintaining old relationships from adolescence, and forging new friendships as an adult.

I was born and raised in the Bronx, where I still live today. I am divorced, but I have a grown son who gave me three grandsons, not one girl.

How friendship changes with age, according to 3 older women

They hired me part-time, and I guessed they liked me, because then they hired me full-time. Funny enough, I never really liked children. I had never worked with .

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But now I love them, especially the little girls. You know, I always wanted a girl. Middle school, in particular, is really tough for little girls and their friendships. They have their ups and downs in middle school. They divide into these little groups, these cliques. They become territorial, almost survival-like.

They gossip, they start rumors about each other. But it passes, and they grow up. And the girls become friends for life. They accept one another for who they are. My oldest friend lives in Texas. We went to high school together.

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I have another friend who is down south, she owns a couple of McDonalds chains down there, so she never comes back to the Bronx. We connect on Facebook. I care most about loyalty. We speak like no time has passed. As long as we reach out every now and again.

Just look forward to seeing each other once a year or so. My friendship is unconditional. I take it very seriously. Actually, I have made a lot of friends at the school where I work. And I also have some parents who are sort of like my best friends. I usually form a bond with the student first. If you want to stay friends with someone, give them their space. I have two sisters, one older and one younger.

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We grew up close, but as we got older, we lived different lives, so that bond is gone. My friends have become my family. I see everyone as a potential friend. Friendship just happens to me! After a while, you just get tired of trying so hard. You just let it be. A friend of mine, we had an altercation. This went on for about two weeks.

Then I got mad. Why is she mad at me? Then I got mad at her. It was petty! We put it in the past, and now I feel much better. I value the people in my life too much for that. Enjoy life to the fullest. Enjoying me. Do things your way, in your time. Make yourself happy. My parents are both Japanese-American.

I was born inwhen they were sending Japanese Americans to internment camps, but my parents avoided that by moving to Chicago. When I was five, my mother and I got on a train and moved to Los Angeles. My father was an orphan, raised by nuns, which meant that I was raised Catholic. I heard recently from someone I went to high school with I went to an all-girls Catholic high school in a blue-collar area. I connect with people in the moment, I look for that spark of curiosity.

Never too old to find new friends

I value people who really listen. I met one of my closest friends on the New York City subway. We were in a crowded car. She was sitting down, I was standing up, and there was a third woman sort of leaning toward the door.

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Somehow, that woman and I got to talking about her trip to Washington, D. I asked her if she was going to see the Holocaust museum because I had just been and felt very touched by it. She said no, she was going to see the cherry blossoms. Anyway, the holocaust museum brought up the lynching exhibit here in New York. We ended up getting off at the same spot and she showed me how to get to BAM.

We ended up just connecting in a really special way. We exchanged information and started getting together for dinner.

How friendship changes with age, according to 3 older women

I was blown away, so I asked if her principal might let me shadow him. I had been a professor for somewhat years teaching leadership and motivation, and thought he might make a fascinating case study. For a year and a half, I went to that high school and attended meetings with him.

He became a friend, too.

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Moral of the story: Speak to people on the subway! I met another friend through my work in the prevention of sexual abuse. He was captivated. We ended up speaking for four hours. When I do field research, I have to observe really carefully.

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You can go your separate ways. But if you want to maintain a friendship, you have to be there for the person, hear them, listen to them, and hopefully likewise have that come back to you.

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My for 2 years ago divorced me.


Despite everything we know about the importance of maintaining social connections as we get older, finding friends after 60 can be a challenge.


As we get older, we still have a need for closeness and companionship.


Dating at any age is awkward, scary, and often, a pain in the ass.