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Sex with a girl who's a virgin - what do I need to know February 10, PM Subscribe There's a ton of questions of AskMeFi along the lines of "I'm a virgin, about to have sex for the first time.

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Most of the question, really, is above the fold. We've recently started seeing one another, we're both in our 20s, and, though we haven't been very physical yet, she's told me already that she wants to soon start having sex. Obviously, I'm letting her set the pace, and am not pushing her to do anything before she's comfortable - but, once things happen, I really don't know how to best navigate this situation. As far as she's told me, she's never really been physical with anyone, ever. I, on the other hand, was also a fairly late bloomer, and have only been with women who were already pretty experienced.

So I really have no knowledge of what sex is like for women when they're just first beginning to explore. Basically, I want to know how to make this as easy, low-stress, and fun for her as possible.

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I want to know how much her first time is likely to be painful, and how to minimize that, however possible. And I want to know what misconceptions or fears she might have that I should address before we start.

Virginity: a very personal decision

Throwaway. Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. You can't do that enough. Take it slow and let her guide you.

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Block off an afternoon so neither of you feel rushed. I'd say the biggest thing is that, when you guys start to get more physical with each other, try to go in with an attitude of exploration than with a destination in mind - and encourage her to do so as well.

Actually, this is probably even more of an issue for her than you. If she starts the day off thinking "we're going to have sex today" that might make it hard for her to just relax and have a good time exploring. So I'd just make sure she knows you're happy to take a leisurely, exploratory pace if she wants to. But be ready with protection. On the other hand, once she's turned on she may just want to get down to it, in which case, have fun! Oh, and I once heard some great advice on Dan Savage's podcast to a caller in the same position male with a twenty-something female virgin partner.

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He pointed out that, while it is important not to push her, she may be one of the many women and men! So if she seems to be looking to you to take the lead, don't be afraid to do so, as long as you're checking for consent, excitement, etc.

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My first time was really, really painful, despite lots of foreplay. This was true for many of my friends I've talked to as well. The second time less painful, but still not much fun.

After that it was great. Use a lot of lube, take it slow, and don't expect it to be all that awesome for her right away. I think it would be a good idea to experiment a lot with oral and with your hands before trying any PIV, just so she knows that sex with you is fun, and can keep that in mind even if the penetrative stuff isn't so great at first. Agree with both posts. Make this one special, because it can have a lasting effect on her sex life from here on out no pressure, right? Seriously, don't get wrapped up in performance.

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What have you done with women in the past that they enjoyed? Try that on her. Just take your time. Another thought-use lubrication along with protection. This being her first time, she will need to "acclimate" to the penetration. If you guys are dating, make it special! Take her someplace romantic, start with a nice meal, etc Good Luck!!! Nth-ing lube. Lube lube lube. Foreplay, yes. Relaxed, yes.

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Taking it slow, yes. One thing to try is exploring her with your finger. Lick your finger first, and then playfully slide it in.

This will ease her into the experience. Ideally, you will bring her to orgasm, allow her time to recover and then start back up again. Penetration should happen right before her second orgasm, when she is so turned on that she will put up with just about anything. You will meet up with resistance if her hymen is intact.

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Do not attempt penetration unless you are fully erect. Anything less will be painful for her. How is she with multiple fingers? Over the next couple weeks, using plenty of lube and time, get her used to two fingers, then three fingers.

This will make make the penis more comfortable for her. Penetration should happen right before her second orgasm I think any plan that hinges on a virgin having multiple orgasms her very first time is probably setting everyone up for disappointment. First time may or may not be any fun. I know for some women it can be painful and a bit annoying. There's a lot of mythology wrapped up in women's first times so I'd just be prepared to roll with it and not get weird if there's a little blood, some pain, no pain at all, a lot of lube needed, no lube needed, towel needed, etc.

So many people get bent over not being "normal" sexually, that I think an important thing with people who haven't has as much experience is to stress that it's more or less all normal and that it should be at least somewhat fun.

Have you guys done all the 'other stuff' first?

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Like more than just making out or the like? Hand-play, oral, etc, etc? What was most important for my first time I was in my teens was knowing that I was physically comfortable with my boyfriend and that I trusted him.

We did LOTS of messing around before we had sex the first time, so I was familiar with the sensations of him touching me and me touching him, and what it felt like laying with him naked and how he reacted to certain things and how I reacted to certain things. By the time we had actual penetrative sex it felt almost like an afterthought, or a by-product of what we were already doing. So if you hadn't gotten to that point, I would strive for that first. When it comes time for the actual deed, plan a whole afternoon or night or whatever because you may have a few false starts before she actually feels ready.

Laugh and be comfortable with each other first. But don't worry about that too much and take it slow. She's undoubtedly talked to a gazillion of her girlfriends about the possible pain and is probably prepared for it. Good luck and have fun.

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Well, my first time was awful like so awful that I could probably get a freelance gig writing about it awful. And my sex life still ended up pretty amazing, and I even had decent sex with that same guy later. So really, it is okay if it goes horribly wrong. Being relaxed and willing to laugh is probably the one thing, for both of you.

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If you're going to do lots of finger penetration, make sure your hands are CLEAN, and your nails are short and you have no weird hangnails. Also, test lube on a non-inside part of her first to make sure she's not sensitive to it before you go putting it in hard-to-reach places.

Don't ask me how I learned that one. Take it slow, have fun, make it intimate. Wear a condom. Just enjoy it.

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She won't know how to guide you. She won't know about, you know, guiding you in. She won't know about postures and hip angles or the right moment to put on the condom or how to touch your weenie or anything. You will have to take it slow and read her als, yes, indeed, but you will also need to be the one who knows how to do stuff.

Like everyone said take it slow and easy.

If you can make sex fun for her a few times before penetration so much the better, if she's game for it maybe go down on her or use an egg or a vibe down there not so much for an orgasm so much as to get her feeling good and feeling sexual, though an orgasm is nice too.

Just because she's a virgin doesn't mean she hasn't experimented on her self, so asking her if there is anything she likes is also good. I remember my first time oh such a very long time ago, I vaguely remember dinosaurs still roaming the earth things I remember, being surprised that I had erogenous zones, up until then I assumed all the action happened below the waist, but hey boobies can be fun for everyone.

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